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keeping it together | 33 weeks pregnant

Is it ok that I have written about this pregnancy less than five times in eight months? I don’t know. Maybe I should have written about it more. So, here’s a bit about how I’m feeling at 33 weeks pregnant, and what we’ve been doing about it. I’ll talk a bit more about other aspects over the next few weeks, too.

What I’m thinking about in week 33

Despite spending a considerable amount of time wondering what life will be like with another child in it, I haven’t actually given much thought to the baby itself, well, not in the way I did before Tibbs was born. I haven’t wondered what they will look like. I know what sex the baby is, so I haven’t wondered about that. I’ve assumed, that, after being given a sunny, happy, content firstborn (aside from the reflux and the perpetual early waking), that the next one will be the sort of challenge Bear Grylls sets.

All I can really think of is how different life will be for the three of us with another child in it. Mostly, it’s excitement and trepidation of the unknown, but, flat honestly, I don’t always see the ‘good’ different. Everything we’ve done in the past few weeks, I just feel a foreboding ‘this’ll be the last time that..’.

What I’m feeling in week 33

I’m feeling very content in our home, which, I guess, is the nesting process beginning. I love Autumn anyway, it’s my favourite season, and now, with a baby’s birthday, I’ll have even more to look forward to as it approaches.

Sometimes I’m really calm, sometimes I’m very, very angry. I’ve had some CBT in recent months, and that has really helped me recognise the start of the spiral of anger, and, sidestep it. It’s also helped me avoid the triggers. I’ll talk to anybody about CBT these days, so if you’ve got any questions, get in touch. Talking therapy has really changed my ability to cope. Hasn’t stopped me being anxious though!

I’m feeling very in love with my husband, as well as our daughter. He never fails to win me over with his placid devotion to our girl, his sense of fun, his relaxedness. He puts up with a LOT of shit from me. I can’t wait to see him with a newborn again.

I’m becoming lightly hermit-y, though. I’m at the no-fun stage now. I can’t walk as fast as people, I can’t drink, I can’t join in with baby chat because I’m too negative. I’m thinking I’m better off indoors.

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What’s hurting in week 33

Physically, I’m really done with pregnancy. The two friends of mine who were due within weeks of me have already given birth (through complications, not choice) and all three of their girls are thriving, thank God. It’s making my pregnancy feel even longer. I can’t sleep, really. I’ve got terrible restless leg, numbness and pain in my left leg, heart palpitations and shortness of breath. It takes about an hour to get to sleep, and I’m up three times for the toilet, then awake from about 4.45am usually.

This baby is all up front and the placenta is at the back. Have you had a pregnancy experience like this? You feel everything. It actually hurts after a long session. And, this baby also likes to get physical between 10-1am, and then again at about 5am. I made the mistake of Googling this and it’s full of chirpy mothers saying “oh yes, it definitely meant they were awake at those times when they were born, too”. You can see how, for an anxious person, the signs aren’t looking ahhh-mazing.

Last pregnancy, I had SPD, which made me a right barrel of laughs, with a limp and a real attitude problem. This time, I’ve just got the latter if you catch me at the wrong time.

What I’m reading in week 33

Not a lot, to be honest, that I didn’t read before. I tried looking at Mumsnet name threads for inspo, they just annoyed me. I have tried to read a book called ‘Coping with Two’ and it just made me worry. My friends are really inspiring me though, Beautiful Tribe‘s latest post on her third daughter, for example. Also, The Little Pip’s post on parenting courses second time around has inspired me.

I’m also looking at a lot of photos of my first baby, and talking a lot with her about what she was like, and what we did when she was little, to try and get us both in the swing of things.

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So, there you go, bit of a long read, and maybe a bit of a stark look at how pregnancy can sometimes make one feel, but, I’m very hopeful that in a few weeks, I’ll have a brand new reason to smile, to put alongside all my other reasons, and make a bigger grin.

A new baby. Bloody hell!

 

 

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9 Comments

  1. Honestly i’m so scared of making the leap between one and two that i keep putting it off then having a massive freak out that i’m not doing it, so anyone who is gets a huge hats off from me! Interesting to hear about the CBT as i’ve been having some too. Hope it helps xx

  2. Oh Eleanor! Don’t be so hard on yourself. I think it’s really common to feel like this about no. 2. I’m pleased you are feeling happy in your nest of home, definitely now is the time to look after you, treat yourself as much as possible, relax as much as you can and don’t feel guilt. Cbeebies is a wonderful educational tool whilst you rest. This is last bit is so tiring and physically crap, but it doesn’t last forever and as you say, you are going to have so much to smile about.

  3. Oh babe, you sound a bit fed up and rightly so given the lack of sleep and general discomfort. The last few weeks can be miserable and I felt like this with my last pregnancy. That odd mix of wanting the baby to come to end the physical torture but also the anxiety of how much life will change once they’re here. Don’t underestimate the ability to fall head over heels all over again once the baby is here though. Sounds trite and will probably annoy the hell out of you but it’s true. Hang in there xx

  4. Oh Eleanor I can relate to so much of this! I think I felt quite similar at points when I was pregnant with E. We’d got so used to our unit of three that (although planned and very much wanted, obviously) I sometimes worried about how the dynamic would shift with another child added to the mix. I’m sure you’ve heard all this before and OF COURSE everyone’s situation is different, but for me personally, within a day of bubs arriving it kind of felt like she’d always been there in a way. Things adjust and change and move on just like life generally. In fact that bubs is going to be two next month and I can’t quite get my head around the fact she’s only been in our lives 24 months! Hope the last stretch isn’t too tough and you get a bit more sleep soon. xxx

  5. I thought that was really interesting what you said at the beginning about thinking about it in a different way, and not wondering what the baby is going to be like. I really wish I’d written more down when I was pregnant and my ‘babies’ were little, as it’s so long ago now I can’t remember what I thought about. Mainly feeling sick I think…

  6. I think all the things you are feeling are completely normal and good for you for being honest about it. I was really fed up around your stage third time round and I was so grumpy about still being pregnant, yet I was also trying to relish it because I knew that it would definitely be our last time. I was so scared when I was pregnant with my second about how I was going to cope with two but I promise it just happens. They slot in and in a few weeks you won’t be able to imagine them not being there. I promise. Yes of course some days are hard, but then some days are bloody hard with just one aren’t they? xx

  7. You’ve written lots here that I think many others can identify with. I was wracked with guilt through so much of my second pregnancy for adding another child to our family, for taking attention away from Talitha. And it was the same third time around but with far more “what have we done?!” But reading what you’ve written about Tibbs reminded me of something else too. It’s truly awesome seeing older siblings with new babies. Not always easy, of course, but it can make many fears melt away, even if temporarily. I hope these weeks pass as quickly as they can. Being heavily pregnant is so bloody uncomfortable! I feel like that’s the worse bit of the whole process! Thanks for mentioning my post. I’m glad it inspired you. I may just have to come bug your hermit self at your house some time soon!

  8. Oh I have loved reading this post Eleanor (even though this point in your pregnancy you are feeling uncomfortable) and I know at this point in my second pregnancy I was totally and completely done, I had such painful ribs and back and it was exhausting so I totally empathise with you. Your husband sounds fantastic and offering up the support you need. I hope you do manage to get some sleep as I know it can beard at this point and enjoy the short time you have left as a family of three

    Laura x

  9. I think one of the most difficult things is getting your head round it, I had no idea what it was going to be like beforehand. Honestly, some of it might really surprise you – one thing that terrified me was having a newborn again but I loved it second time round. Also pregnancy hormones don’t help, do they? I didn’t do full-on hypnobirthing but I listened to some MPS Adele recommended beforehand as I think they really helped relax me before the birth so don’t know if that would help? xx

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