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we need to talk about prepping | apocalypse Bristol?

The Walking Dead starts again on Monday and I’m unfeasibly excited. I can’t explain why I like this show. I’m terrified of zombies. I think it’s because the whole concept wigs me out a bit. I mean, what would I do, if there actually was a zombie apocalypse? Where would I go? What would I take?

Then, this morning, I read this article on Buzzfeed about the queen of preppers, Survival Mom. A prepper is someone who is constantly preparing for the end of the world as we know it. Someone who has readied themselves, and their families, for the breakdown of society and destruction of part of the planet. And it’s not as mental as you think.

No, what am I saying? Actually, it IS as mental as you think. It’s more than having tinned food and a decent hole in the garden to hide from the bombs in. This woman has mapped out the public water courses in her area and given her kids a special tool with which to access them, should the need allow. She’s written a list of reasons why cloth nappies are like guns (wtf?).

Obviously, as you do when your brain is challenged with a new ‘thing’ when it comes to parenting, it’s made me think, what would/should I do? A bit like my recent posts on the blunder weeks, I’m now dithering: should I be prepping more?

So, I’ve thought about what I’d do, should I need to, in some kind of apocalypse.

  • I’d steal the poo bus we’ve got running here in Bristol. Whilst the rest of the city runs out of petrol, I’d be riding dirty all over town. With my unlimited sewage farm supply
  • I’d get myself to Dick’s Climbing in Old Market and empty it it out, and then hop back over the roundabout and set up a zip wire between Harvey Nicks and the Marriott hotel. I’d barricade the doors of both, put out my RPZ signs that I’d nicked from Clifton to stop people parking nearby (it would stop them, even in an apocalypse) and make these goldmines of luxury goods, decent food and coffee, and clean linen my base
Imagine, swinging free between these beauties, pilfering Tom Ford aftershave and miniature soaps
Imagine, swinging free between these beauties, pilfering Tom Ford aftershave and miniature soaps
  • My plan B would be to quickly capture Ashton Court, although I’d probably need a crew of friends for this (I’ve got the poo bus so that’s ok, I can take on a few) and that guy in the ice cream van is usually asleep anyway, so I’ll get him whilst he’s napping and add to my fleet
My pre-apocolypse buddies could roam free in a paradise like this
My pre-apocolypse buddies could roam free in a paradise like this
  • My plan C would be to annexe the steepest parts of Totterdown. Only the most hardy residents can be arsed walking up those hills, so I think they’d be up for joining me in creating a utopian society of mountain goat-like people
  • I’d steer clear of Harbourside. If the apocalypse happened any time after 10pm on a Saturday night, the crowd of people stranded there would be feral within days. Although I think they’d be weak hunters, given lots of them would only have high heels and dresses on, so even I could outrun them. Also, pirates. Harbourside is usually only minutes away from returning to its criminal maritime roots, so an apocalypse would be interesting
  • The Downs would be a dystopian wasteland, full of hungry folk trying to live off abandoned picnics, whilst training their cocker spaniels to raid the below stairs kitchens of the surrounding villas. I’d avoid it entirely, unless, as will inevitably be, I have to cross it to battle the Blaise Castle survivors, once my community at Ashton Court is established, and we’re in a turf war over Waitrose at Westbury
  • I’d fear the IKEA survivors the most. If they were there in the first place, they’re bound to be hardy, handy and used to arguments and bitterness. Plus, they’ve got Tescos
  • I’d avoid North Street and Gloucester Rd. Anywhere with that level of independent shopping is going to produce gangland style loyalties, split into micro gangs based in their favourite deli or vegan shoe shop, each with a take no prisoners attitude and high levels of political rhetoric
  • I’d be thankful that everyone in Bristol cycles so much – have never understood why bikes are not used more in the Walking Dead. Zombies can’t ride them! We can! This obviously doesn’t apply if it’s not a zombie apocalypse, but an actual apocalypse.

Have I convinced you? What would you do?

Apologies to any preppers out there…I know, it’s a serious matter.


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